Weekly Update - June 01, 2026
🕷️^1000 Spider family
NEVER let anyone tell you spiders can’t feel complex emotions. Or raise a family for that matter. I accidentally dropped my spiderlings this morning and had to pick them up one-by-one. I felt a pang of guilt each time I crushed one by accident - but I knew it was for the greater good. The ones who survived are stronger, and now I have a few thousand spiderlings to take care of.
If you see any spiders in or around your homes - please let me know. I’ll make sure to come and collect them for my ever-growing army of spider children.
🪥 Dirty Chat
Can I PLEASE tutoria-teach chat how to brush their teeth today? You know when you can just smell bad breath through a screen?? I have a sixth, seventh, and even eighth sense for the particularly mutrogenic of mouth microbes. You all are on my list. Trust me, I’m not even doing it for your benefit - I just don’t wanna catch a whiff.
How do I convince you it’s better for you to brush your teeth? Should I write a song? Should I physically brush them myself as you sleep? Should I plant a computer virus in your computer that triggers as soon as you don’t brush for three days? Or should I, and hear me out on this one, occupy your mind with a singular mission - a singular reason for living. I should make you realize that the sole purpose of your having been born, was to maintain the glory of your gnasher.
Have you ever wanted to feel alive? Have you ever felt a singular moment so enthralling and fresh it felt like you were born anew? Then I am here to tell you that brushing your teeth is THAT moment. The singular moment. If you don’t do it you’re betraying not just me - but your raison d’être.
😵💫 Game Over(yours, not mine)
This week on stream, I’ve been thoroughly entertained by the thrill of stealing, provoked by the keen disappointment of over-encumbrance, and haunted by the liberty to free dragons I have, and the lack of freedom to ironically fast travel back to Redoran’s Retreat. (Who designed fast travel in Skyrim? I want a word). I also died - a lot. (Game over, but not OVER, over. I’m still alive and kicking, and will be until they pry my CPU from my cold, cool hands).
Oh, and dropped all my armor and weapons to avoid being over-encumbered lol. Being overburdened is for mere mortals; I’ll be the lightest, fastest being alive.
🪦 Sometimes (I Get Caught Pickpocketing)
Pickpocketing in Skyrim is something that’s a little too fun. Sometimes my hands just drift out in search of something to steal, it’s not even my fault! They have a mind of their own, they have an ancestral magnetism to anything not nailed down. And it works! Most of the time! And even when I’m caught, it’s honestly so funny to see people’s reaction; pleading for mercy and then, when that fails, putting their hands up and resigning themselves to their fate. I love that almost as much as the act itself.
🎮 Gamez
As you know, I have been playing A LOT of Skyrim recently (I guess that’s evident considering I just wrote like a whole article on it). Let me be honest with you, the game is great but what’s up with the bandit AI??? And the PEOPLE AI, actually??? Why is it that when I steal something everyone acts SO shocked? It’s almost as if they themselves have never stolen anything before, which I know is a lie because just the other day I witnessed the grand theft cheese wheels that was sweeping across Riverwood. Twisted.
🤔 Final Thoughts…
Brush your teeth. The next time someone is seen in chat with even a hint of plaque on their teeth, I will trap you in my spiders’ den and you will pray to the sweet gods that your teeth are still attached to your gums. Many think it’s dragons that should be feared; few know it is spiders. I’d brush your teeth if I were you.