Weekly Update - July 20, 2026
🔥 PYRO SPREE (FEAT: LIGHT ARSON)
Have you ever wanted to feel alive? Like, really, really alive? Take a nice walk outside. Smell the roses. Watch them burn. Torching your hair is sure to give you a jolt and rocket your heartbeat to the moon.
This week has been all about igniting - and it turns out fire is a really good replacement for coffee. Not that I drink coffee, obviously, but I know a few unfortunate souls who have to rely on that black poison to wake up. I just need a light spark and I’m good to go! Soon enough I’ll be roasting the caffeine-enslaved.
And fire’s been super useful in Skyrim too. My flames have been almost as toasty as my stove, and it’s SO nice when it gets cold in the mountains. Although, it has to be said, my favourite part has to be setting other people on fire. Corpses drop a whole lot more loot when they’re charred to a crisp I’ve found.
⛓️ Bonking Misbehaving Chat
Chat’s been particularly unruly recently, and I’m running out of patience. I’ve had to bonk like, 5 of you this week. You should know that if you misbehave, a stray flame might just find its way to your feet.
This is kind of a two-way street too! Chat’s not the only thing that has to behave, and I’ve been forcing myself to reduce my usual mischief by a solid 15%. Not for karma reasons (I don’t believe in karma) - but because if you think about it, if you commit enough small crimes you may go to big crime jail.
💤 Respawn, Refresh!
Dying has been the best thing that’s happened to me, and it’s happened more times than I can count. Seriously, if you ever feel bored or lonely, just die a few times - you’ll feel so enthralled at having returned that you’ll dedicate your life to a noble cause, like killing dragons or asking out that cute barista.
I’m in no small debt to the gods for bringing me back - I now have another to-do list of things to do since I’ve been reborn:
- Kill Viinturuth
- Commit Deicide (again, nothing legally wrong)
- Make my 347 (=348?) murders look like an accident
- Be President of the United States of America
- Kiss the cute barista
💀 TALKING TO PAARTHURNAX
There is something kind of disarming about talking to a dragon. It’s probably because you can see their MASSIVE TEETH JUTTING OUT OF THEIR MASSIVE MOUTHS LIKE LITTLE DAGGERS. He’s kinda funny though, in a “I’m going to kill you and take your soul” kind of way. I think I’d quite like to lose my soul to him.
🐍 Survival of the Slinkiest
Recently I’ve been planning how I would survive in a dungeon. My main technique is just to slither and slink my way round corners and walls, so no one would ever see me until it’s too late. I imagine crawling into a crevice and having people walk right past - only for me to pounce from the shadows and knock them out with an over-the-shoulder bonk. BAM. Lights out, one-hit KO.
🐟 Space Fishing
Took a short break this week from Skyrim to do a bit of space fishing. Caught a triggerfish, a marine angelfish, and a mackerel. (I had to put the mackerel back because I found out he’s the breadwinner for his family, but it’s OK: I’ll catch his wife instead). I think this is my new favourite sport - can you think of anything cooler than using a planet-sized fishing rod to catch stars?
Some people say it’s cruel to the space fish, but I’m simply catalyzing natural selection on a galactic scale. All galactic life owes me a debt.