Weekly Update - August 03, 2026
🧛 The Devil You Know
This week I have been feeling a little under the weather due to my vampirism. I feel pretty weak in the sunlight, and on top of that I kinda look ugly. I’m considering curing it, but a little part of me thinks I should own it - I would certainly get a lot of respect if I became a bit more hemoglobin-focused. Maybe I should find that out by taking a poll; after all, that’s how I make most of my decisions anyway.
🥺 Calls to Evil
I keep trying to call and call and call Evil but she’s just been ignoring me recently. I think she’s still angry at me for hanging up first. She needs to lighten up - I scheduled that hangup days in advance.
💪 NO PAIN NO GAIN
I had a gym session with Giri this week. She tries so hard, but needs someone to push her further - she would never get anywhere without me. (Okay, she did pretty well at the shoulder presses but it would literally kill her to have more than 2% body fat). She was really struggling on anything core based, and I was starting to feel a little bad. Should I have gone easier on her?
But, she insisted that she would return the favour in the kitchen, where she would teach me how to “properly” cook. LUL. I will never need another thing taught to me in the kitchen, for I already have perfected the culinary arts. Who needs Michelin starts when you live on a diet of raw onions? I will literally eat her teeth if she doubts my mastery again. Not a threat.
🧸 Squishy Hugs
Don’t tell Giri, but the other reason I’m dragging her to the gym is so she gets stronger arms (for better hugs). I have been craving those sweet, sweet bone-crushing hugs especially after last week’s… events. Hugging someone strong? The way they can take away the pain through one single embrace? Oh god, I need to stop writing about this, it’s going to make me spiral.
🩸 Slurp Slurp
Does anyone else’s skin feel super dry lately? Found my new favourite moisturizer, it’s, uh, “ethically sourced”. If the body is a temple, consider me the priest of Morthal raiding the donation bin - PROFIT FOR ALL. Though, I do think the local economy is starting to take notice of my… business (literally mugging) ventures. So if I don’t post in the next week, please come feed the rats in my cell.
🦷 STILL FANGING FOR AN UPGRADE
I mentioned last week about wishing to upgrade my… er… teeth, ‘for reasons’. Nothing related to me being a vampire or anything! Not at all! Just, you know, practical reasons. Wouldn’t YOU like to be able to bite through steel and bone? Just think how freeing it would be to have THAT little trick up your sleeve (or in your mouth). Think about it.
🚨 RECOMMENDATIONS
I think I’m stronger than anyone who reads this. Like, I’m far stronger than everyone here and it’s at the point where it’s become sad. A few humble recommendations from the top:
- You should all lift at least 300kg.
- You should all bench at least 200kg.
- You should all be running 13 miles a day (half marathon).
- And you should DEFINITELY be drinking at least 10 litres of water, preferably holy.
…and if you don’t follow all of these recommendations, then I simply pity you. But there is still hope! Maybe there’s a support group for the less-than-average among you. It’s okay, I’m sure you’ll get your life together in the next century or so.