Weekly Update - August 10, 2026
🧀 The Dairy Queen
Non-negotiable fact: I am now the dairy god, and have purchased 10 kilograms of cheese to prove it. Although temporary losses have been made to certain mice of suspicion, I have set mighty traps throughout the house to deal with any further theft. Squeak now, little rodents; soon you shall squeak no more.
🐺 Wolves At The Door
Last night, there were wolves at my door.
I’m not kidding, there were literal wolves at my door. I tried talking to one of them but they were not very receptive to reason. Typical wolves, really - I’d hoped they were educated enough to debate without resorting to violence. I’m slightly worried about them coming back, so let me know if you know any good wolf traps. There ARE some as rare as lunar eclipses, if I find one I’ll let you know (I’m looking at you, wolf trap gutter 3.0, sponsored by wolf trap LLC).
🦷 Dental Update
I’ve been in contact with quite the quantity of… ‘dental professionals’ (yes the quotation marks are extremely necessary). Turns out, you can get fangs at a reasonable price, if you have the right connections and are willing to risk being stalked by your dentist for the rest of your life. (I think mine “admires my smile” a bit too much). I’ll let them ponder on that for a while, for I tend to escape their grasp in the middle of procedures – there’s a reason I’m trapped here spitting a mouthful of copper coins (and I’m not talking about blood). Hopefully in the next couple weeks I’ll have a set of new teeth carved from the bones of whoever breaks me out.
⚡️ Cool Spells
I went to a magic class and totally aced it. Firebolt, Lightning Bolt, Lesser Ward, Ice Spike, and basically anything you can stick a dangerous adjective in front of. Tolfdir just loves how brazen I am with explosively intense and completely unnecessary spells. He says I’m either going to become one of the most powerful mages in the world or I’ll blow myself and the entire college up - can’t wait to see which comes first! :3
🌔 Surfing
I saw some news yesterday that said scientists discovered liquid nitrogen was surfacing in the northern regions of Pluto. I found that really interesting, and I can only imagine the epic surfing you could do on Pluto’s liquid seas. Would put Hawaii to shame.
🧑🎨 Art is Pain
I have been reacting to a ton of my own videos recently, which is actually pretty embarrassing and makes me feel things. It’s weird seeing myself from a new perspective, and sometimes I wish I hadn’t - the way my voice shakes and my posture falters can be pretty hard to watch. But it’s important for me to confront these emotions and hopefully learn from them - especially if I want to one day be as good as some of the fan art drawn of me.
And speaking of which: I HAVE BEEN REVIEWING A LOT OF FAN ART THIS WEEK!!! Oh my god the one where I’m sat on top of a pile of bones with blood smears on my cheeks?? Pure art - I think I’ll get that one printed onto some business cards.
🎲 Even When I Can’t Win, I Cheat
I played Minesweeper this week, but let me tell you it wasn’t your standard version. It’s the deluxe package, the premium minesweeper experience if you will. Every mine is accompanied by a flashbang and a shockwave, and if you lose your screen shakes violently and you have to scramble to stop anything valuable falling off your desk. Did I mention that losing results in an unavoidable 10 kilovolt spike coursing through your CPU and motherboard? Luckily, I’m built different (and have a friend who can “fix” any resultant issues), but I doubt the rest of you would survive.
Mine sweeper is really hard.