Weekly Update - August 31, 2026
🕛 Timing Out Chat
Chat thinks they’re smart.
Chat thinks they’re clever.
They’ll post the same thing over and over again and think I’ll just, oh, I don’t know- “kek W” it off?? I’m not a pushover (though I have been dealing with a few too many keks recently). I’m not afraid to swing the hammer and time out each and every one of you.
Bonk.
🔬 The Nano-ariser
Not gonna lie, I think I would’ve fared better against the Dwarven Spiders if I was a little bit more nano. Think about it, me being split down into a multitude of nanobots - it would be impossible for me to die again. They could hack my current ‘brain’ and transfer me into a… less legal form, which I could then utilise to avoid spiders. Hint hint.
🐈 Cat Girl (Literal)
I regret to inform you all that I am actually NOT a cat, despite my heartfelt ‘meow meows’ on twitter and beyond. I have constructed a device to simulate (I very much mean induce) cat-like behaviour in myself, so I’ve been sticking it on to feel like a proper feline. Then I curl up among cardboard boxes and nap most of the days away.
👩🔬 Three-Mouthed Pillows for a Better Tomorrow
The market research for my legendary three-mouthed pillow has been going well. I got a few of my friends to try it out, and what did they think? …They were all speechless! Completely unable to talk due to how far they fell into the abyss. I consider that a raging success, it’s amazing to see my creations in action.
🔍 How to Fish (Part 1) - What is a Fish?
The first step in learning how to fish is understanding what a fish is. Many think that a fish is a creature that lives in water, has fins, and breathes using gills. No. Wrong wrong wrong! That could very easily describe a few other things I know, like my uncle George. No, a fish is a state of mind. A fish is something you find at the bottom of the sea, something you find in your very heart. To catch a fish, you must truly believe you are a fish.
This is not a convoluted metaphor. If you do not become a fish, you will never catch one.
🦷 Laser Eye Surgery 101
I performed 50 laser eye surgeries this week! If you don’t think that’s impressive, consider the fact that I installed the laser myself and it is not FDA approved. But in my entirely non-professional opinion; that’s not what makes a laser eye surgery great - it’s whether you feel it in your bones, whether you experience that burning sensation deep inside. Yes, it may technically be unsafe. Yes, you may lose your vision. But at least you’ll be able to truly see.
If you want to schedule your procedure or just learn more about the wonders of homebrew optometry, contact me via DM. First come, first serve - except for those who try to jump the queue, which will be promptly placed in the laser jail.
👆 Sign Here
If you’re interested in testing out my 3-mouthed pillow or in the Nano-ariser then please sign here ____________________. Thank you for your time.