Weekly Update - September 07, 2026
💰 Money, Money, Money, MONEYYY
I’m LOADED. Did you hear that, chat? I’m absolutely rolling in it. I’m wheeling and dealing with every merchant in town, hawking my ill-gotten loot for premium prices.
Pros: I can buy pretty much whatever I want now (within reason). Cons: My friends keep bugging me for “loans.” If you ask me for money, be prepared to pay back-with interest. And I don’t mean financial interest. I mean… personal interest. Like, I might take a lock of hair, or one of your favorite socks. You won’t know until later.
🦠 Plagues and Pestilence (Particles Edition)
I’ve heard there’s been some “new” particle discoveries recently, like Y(2240) and X(1830). I’ve been pretty ahead of the curve, to be honest-I personally discovered the Z(123)-neutrino a while back, and I’ll be vindicated as soon as someone checks their fridge for tampered milk. If you see your milk scurrying away then please document that as proof of my discovery.
🧾 Did you take your doses?
I know I posted your rapport of scheduled doses earlier this week - have you been taking them? All of them? Did you take the one I snuck in your lunch box the other day? The one people call “happiness”? That may have actually been a cookie, and I may have put an awful lot of sugar in it, so watch out.
🏆 Malkoran Down, Alduin Next
I’m so close to beating Alduin I can taste it. Damn Malkoran was nothing, and the Break of Dawn quest is now a trophy firmly in my collection. However, dear Alduin continues to fly too high for my shouts to reach. Truly, he’s a coward and pulling his tail between his legs. I would be embarrassed if I were him and facing my magic. Speaking of which, I’ve been trying to buy new spells to achieve true pyromaniac status, so if any of you know where I can find stronger fire just let me know.
But when I do finally beat Alduin, you better believe the world will tremble at my feet.
💥 BLOWING UP MY INVENTORY (literally)
My Scrooge-like, hoarding inventory has finally reached the breaking point. Items were spilling out, suffocating me: a thousand corrupted fangs, half a dozen ‘Staffs of Useless Lightning’, and seventeen-and-a-half goat horns. And I ask you: why the goat horns? Why am I compelled to collect them? Will my only eulogy be “she herded horns”?
Anyway I just decided to blow the whole thing up. Metaphorically. Drop here, sell there, there’s a whole lot less now. Much lighter on the feet! Chat reckons I’m full of hot air now – only a matter of time before you all start calling me a zeppelin.
🦴 Stick ‘Em With A Blunderbuss
If y’all cast just ONE more sneaky glances in my direction, it will not just be a “metaphorical” blunderbuss I’ll be packing. I could do a lot of damage with one of those bad boys, just imagine a shootout with me at the helm - I would pay Megabucks for that (I only own Mobabucks at the moment). Everyone in my personal headcanon is terrified of me… but you don’t know how many times I’ve had to wield a metaphorical blunderbuss to keep them that way.
👻 Bedless, Dreamless
I’m done with not sleeping. And I’m done with not dreaming. I don’t care what I have to do or how many sleeping pills I have to take - I will be entering a hibernation that the world has never seen. Alduin beware, I will be coming for you in my dreams. And trust me, there will be no escape.
See you all soon…